Dreams Fade To Red
by evlynrox
Summary: At this point it doesn't matter. Nothing does, no one does, and especially not the dreams. Theres nothing I can do, I'm already lost with no hope of being found. KATNISS POV. After Mockingjay, Pre-Epilouge. CONTAINS SPOILERS
1. Alone

_ I run through the woods, screaming and sobbing. Pushing through the branches that are sharp as thorns, that tear at my skin and clothes. Shouts of evil and awful things follow me as I run faster and faster. Mutt, liar, murderer, and mistake feel like their physically burning into me and the harder I fight against them the more scars they leave. _

"_I DIDN'T DO IT." I scream. It's no use, we all know I'm lying, that I'm a-_

_ All of the sudden I can hear Gale's voice behind me saying soothing words, telling me he loves me and only wants to protect me, that he'll take good care of me for eternity. The words are healing my scars, my mistakes, and my life. I trust him, I think as I turn to face him, but I spoke to soon. He's holding a knife to Prims throat and all I can do is watch in horror as he drags it harshly across her throat with a look of pure delight masking his handsome, but sinister, features._

_ "Do you see what you've done," he asks, "you could of stopped me, but you were to weak, you ARE to weak." I'm shaking my head, trying to deny his hateful words but he's already laughing at me as he hold Prims lifeless body. I sink to my knees and let his laughter burn in me, covering my flesh in red angry bumps of heat and pull every single piece of hair from head. As I sit writhing in pain I realize this is truly what it means to become a girl on fire._

BANG! I feel a sharp pain in my left hand as I hit the floor with a thud. The covers that I took down with me didn't do much to soften the blow of the wooden floor. _Might as well just stay here today,_ I think to myself going over my schedule that has been cleared for two months since I got Greasy Sae to stop coming over. She'd force food down my throat, clean, and talk to me like nothing had ever happened. All the things I didn't want or really even need, though I did thank her for her efforts while I wheeled her out the door.

I stare at the ceiling pretending that I'm warping and twisting the cracks, I know my hand is broken because of the constant throbbing pain but at this point it doesn't matter. Nothing does, no one does, and especially not the dreams. They're always happening with different people i've tortured and killed, different places I have destroyed beyond recognition, and everything I loved but ruined forever. Theres nothing I can do. The hands already broken, isn't it? The people and places are already torn apart, aren't they? I'm already lost with no hope of being found.

I stare a little longer, liking the idea of being nothing and doing nothing for the rest of my life. I don't deserve love if all I have done is hate. I don't deserve happiness if all I can do is make everyone sad. I don't deserve family if I can't protect them, and with these realizations I can feel my whole body numb and try to block out the eternal pain. I miss my old life, hunting with Gale, going to school, bringing the animals I got that day to the Hob, and talking to Prim. I miss Primrose Everdeen with all thats still in me.

Tears burn my eyes so I shut down and stop the thoughts that make me weak and wanting of things that are already gone, but this time it's not going to be enough.

There are the few times where I can't stop myself from going _that_ far, but lately it hasn't been a "few" times. A sob escapes my throat as I drag myself off the floor and over to the bathroom making sure to cradle my left hand.

_I'm better than this, I'm not this weak, _These thoughts replay through my head as I dig around the drawer with my good hand. The relief is overwhelming when it closes around the blade with enough pressure to sting but not enough to draw blood.

_Don't do this. You don't have to do this Katniss, _but I shut out the sane part of my mind. With my right hand I drag the blades edge fiercely across the upper part of my left arm, ignoring all the other scars that are already there. The pain is so numbing that it shuts out the unwelcome thoughts and brings my mind back into focus. When I first started cutting I never realized how it would become the one thing I could count on. I thought i'd be weak for just two minutes and get it over with, but like Haymitch and drinking it became my escape, my awful habit that I turn to when I'm not strong enough to pull myself out of it alone.

The stream of blood brings catches attention and I curse myself for wandering off. I only made this mistake once and it was an unpleasant one, losing that much blood made me have to go to a hospital for help. I told them I had been cooking and the knife slipped, no one could blame them for being so suspicious considering the fact that me being in a kitchen and cooking are two very unlikely things. They still didn't call me out or accuse me of anything, the nurse just nonchalantly wrote me a subscription to some depression and anxiety medicine that I keep in the back of the cabinet.

"Damn it, Damn it, Damn it!" I stammer out loud while I grab and towel and push down on my arm. Examining the damage more closely I realize it's not that bad and should heal into a scab by tomorrow. I relax as I wrap a bandage around it and tug my shirt sleeve down my arm, ashamed by my actions but yet I'm still not regretful enough to promise myself I won''t do it again. My wrist bumps my left hand and I hiss in pain, _Probably should of remembered that was broken. _Thankfully my cutting didn't result in a hospital but my thrashing while I sleep has. _This is going to be fun, _I think while I tensely walk down the stairs.

Grabbing my coat and pulling on my boots I'm about to stomp out the door when I catch sight of appearance in the mirror hanging over the side table. That girl staring back can't possibly be me. All the cutting has resulted in my skin losing all of it's color to the point where I could easily be a ghost, definitely not a nineteen year-old girl. My hair isn't as bad, I have put enough effort in to brushing it every day, but it's now down to my waist and is in desperate need of serious trimming. The thing that scares me the most is my weight, I realize that I haven't eaten in at least a week. I don't feel hungry so it always slips my mind to dig through the fridge for something. It has resulted in me resembling a skeleton, my eyes look so hollow that i'm worried they might disappear.

_Note to self, try not to starve. _It's been a long time since I had to think that, It's not the same though. It's one thing to starve by not being able to afford food and it's a whole other thing when you have enough money to feed every person within the thirteen districts but your too weak to even go out in daylight.

_I can't go to hospital! They won't discharge me this time_, Shuddering in horror I throw my coat back in the closet and make my way into the living room. _I'm alone in this, no one cares anymore. No one needs you. You don't need anyone, _and I begin to cry. The only explanation to why I do this is because I've had enough. I've held in my tears since I was eleven years old and my body is no longer capable of hiding. I don't know how long I lay there sobbing, it felt like decades before I was once again staring at the ceiling in silence with my left hand completely painless, _not a good sign._

With my eyes closed I raise my hand carefully and count to ten before opening. It's completely swollen at the wrist where the break is probably located and is in need of desperate attention. No way is the hospital an option, maybe I can visit Haymit- _No one needs you. You don't need anyone, _the words replay through my head and I realize that their true. I'm going to be alone on this, utterly alone.

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><p>Hello! This is my new story! Right <em><span>here<span>_ is where I'll be posting information about the story and answering any questions. More information about me is on my profile! Also I answer some un-asked questions about this story. REVIEW! That's all I ask from you. Even one word is fine with me, constructive criticism is TOTALLY allowed. Sorry for ending the chapter so weirdly, chapters will be longer. No update dates sent in stone yet, sketchy schedules. Thanks tons, Evelyn


	2. Rivers of Death

_Ok so I tried to upload this three times! There was a glitch with fanfiction but long story short this was done about a week ago and it's finally working! Haha so enjoy chapter two! _

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><p><em>Theres a river of red. It's winding through the forest, churning slowly. The thick red scarlet is poison; destroying to no end. I walk along the riverbanks side and watch the logs floating endlessly in the water. It must be easy to be nothing but an object; floating in the liquid and following a path that's already been decided. Not making decisions, just doing what you were made to do. <em>

_ "__Are you, are you __coming to the tree where they strung up a man they say murdered three? Strange things did happen here no stranger would it be if we met up at midnight in the hanging tree." The words ring through the night. Twisting with the wind and closing in on my body and heart. _

_ I don't know what caused me to look more closely into the river but what I saw didn't surprise me. The things I thought were logs are truly corpses, facedown floating in their blood and following the river. I don't scream or sob. I don't call out the names of those i've killed. I don't feel anything but a strange sense of calm. _

_ My feet keep moving no matter how much I wish they would stop. They lead me along the river of death and destruction that never seems to have an ending. I walk for hours, days, maybe even years. Time doesn't matter here and i've given up looking for an end. I have come to terms with the idea of walking forever. Following the dead to their destination that doesn't exist._

_ "Are you, are you coming to the tree where the dead man called out for his love to flee? Strange things did happen here no stranger would it be if we met up at midnight in the hanging tree." The lyrics are no longer winding through the wind but are being sung by a low deep voice. I feel a sudden warmth to my right and see Gale singing and walking beside me. He doesn't laugh or make any move to harm me. He just stares straight ahead expressionless._

_ "Are you, are you coming to the tree where I told you to run so we'd both be free? Strange things did happen here no stranger would it be if we met up at midnight in the hanging tree." Gale is gone. I don't have to look to know who is beside me now. The singing is sweet and clear like a bells ringing. Prim twirls beside me in a dress so black it makes her skin appear transparent. She is different now; more grown and mature. Her eyes don't try to find mine either. I try to find some emotion within me but I can't seem to grasp any guilt, sadness, or anger; just the emptiness that consumes me._

_ "Are you, are you coming to the tree, wear a necklace of rope side by side with me? Strange things did happen here no stranger would it be if we met up at midnight in the hanging tree." Peeta has now taken Prim's space beside me and completes the song. I wandered off the rivers path and we both now stand inside of a willow tree. The long branches reach in all directions and a canopy of leaves hide us from the outside. We both wait in silence for something, anything that will break the solitude of the scenery. _

_ "Are you ready Katniss?" I don't jump at the sound of his voice but turn slowly toward him. The world around me is hazy and my head feels to heavy to hold up. My mind is spinning as if I had to much wine or drugs were running through my system. I drag my head up and meet his pale blue eyes. Somehow they still shine even in the greyest light of this dimension._

_ "Ready for what?" He doesn't answer me directly; just smiles sadly at turns to face something. Following his eyes I see the ropes dangling. The willow is the hanging tree. _

I wake up on the kitchen floor in my hunting clothes. The plan was to find food from the fridge and try to regain something I had lost from my old life. Hunting has been a struggle because either the pain from cutting has gotten in the way or the emptiness I feel has caused me to forget even my own name.

Getting to my feet I look out the window and try to get a sense of time. I broke all the clocks in the house during one of my fits. They reminded me of the arena in the seventy-fifth hunger games. _Tick-Tock the arenas a clock. _The sun is shinning brightly compared to this morning when it was raining heavily and I needed to get out of this prison.

"Was it even this morning when I came down to go hunting?" I whisper to myself. Time has been something that I pretend doesn't affect me. I like to think that i'm the only one never growing or changing; that i'm the only one who doesn't have to follow the rules. The suns light reminds me of how it was on the roof of the capitol building. With Peeta by my side looking down at the rest of the city as if we were better than them. In the end though we weren't. We may have "won" the rebellion, but in the end we lost so much more. _I lost so much more, _I tell myself, _theres no "we"._

Shuddering I close the curtains, turn off all the lights, and cut my arms before quickly bandaging them again. It disgusts me how weak this all is. To even sink so low in the beginning but to also save myself when I let others die. Every time I wrap around the cloth I am reminded that i'm letting myself fall but then letting the fear pick me up again. It's a process of destruction that I can't seem to escape.

"It's not that bad. It's weak but not bad. Right? Wrong. It's awful; i'm so alone. I need to get out. I ha-", I stop when I realize i'm talking to myself. This is a new issue that is even more alarming than all the others. I don't really remember when I started but that's not really all that surprising. I do realize that I should get out and make an effort to live like i'm actually alive, no matter how dead I feel.

I feel instant tension when I turn the door knob and throw myself out onto the patio. My hands fly to block the sun from my un-adjusted eyes and I remind myself to take deep breaths. The bandages on my left arm have become revealed so I pull my sweatshirt sleeve farther down to my wrist where the break happened. I can still see slight swelling but the healing recipe I found in my mothers closet really helped bring it down enough so that I could set the bone and bandage it.

I keep taking deep breaths while I walk across my front lawn and down the sidewalk. The grass in my yard has been seriously neglected and has grown halfway up to my knees. I momentarily forget who's house i'm walking by and when I do remember it's to late.

Peeta. I choke lightly just thinking about the name that I have ignored for so long. Even though he makes constant appearances in my nightmares I have been controlled enough to keep him out of my head during the moments when I am awake and functioning. His house lights are on and his lawns are recently mowed. There is flower boxes full of daisies and it looks like he put a fresh coat of paint on the house. I feel a slight jealousy at the thought of him being well enough to work and move on like nothing ever happened. I should be happy for him; but thats the problem, I _should _be.

Something evil inside me wishes that he'd be just as miserable as I am; that he would wake up screaming every night and feel so alone to the point where he would wish he still loved me an- _No. _I try to backtrack but it's to late. I just broke the one rule that mattered most, I am not supposed to ever conjoin Peeta and love in any thought or sentence. _It doesn't mean anything. You're just tired. Theres no feelings that are left for Peeta,_ is there? I gently ask myself this a few times. Is there a chance that I... miss him? I instantly know I do; but what does that even mean? I'm selfish to even think that maybe we could regain what we once had. He would protect me while I slept. When I was with him I didn't have nightmares. Things were bearable in the capitol when Peeta Mellark was there to stand beside. I would of been broken and lost without him. _Isn't that exactly what you are now though? _Would it be any different if I had Peeta with me right now? No! I shake my head vigorously and try to start walking again. I can't be that girl again because she's gone there is no way to find her; I repeat this over and over again but the idea that I can be fixed is already planted in my heart. Like a tiny seed that is waiting to be watered.

Before I can question what the hell i'm doing, the front walk of Peeta's house is under my feet. I feel dizzy, like my dream, it's almost as if it's an overdose of some amazing drug. I can feel my heart racing widely and I try to calm it before I knock so that I can think my way out of doing this. _I don't want to do this._

"Oh yes I do." I tell that last defiant part of my brain. Taking a deep breath I close my eyes and knock on the door.

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><p>CLIFF HANGER! I hate cliff hangers when i'm the reader but love them when i'm the writer. SO I decided I do in fact like this story and I'm going to continue with it. REVIEW! I'm serious! If you guys want me to update faster that's how you do it. Feedback makes me so amazingly happy and in the mood to continue! The story now is getting somewhere no? Will she do it? Or will she run away? We'll have to see! Information about me is on my profile! Any questions? PM or leave a review and I'll answer them ASAP! A update will come out soon because I can't keep you waiting to long. Have a good night! Happy early easter! - Evelyn<p> 


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